Thursday, June 20, 2013

Highs and Lows

In the past few weeks I have experienced a terrible low and a calming high point.

I never thought of myself as a home wrecker.   Though I have talked to several married men through Lit, there are only a couple that I became close to – one of which is “E”.  E and I became close friends, and while there was some flirting, the majority of our conversations or email (especially recently) had been nothing but of a friendly nature.  That all came crashing down when his wife found his Lit account and emails written to me. 
E was in a fairly happy marriage.  Sure, he joined Lit because he was unsatisfied sexually – like almost every other married men on the site.  But all in all it was a good a marriage.  Until I entered the picture.  I knew from the beginning I should have stayed away.  All I ever wanted was for E to be happy, instead he is in a marital hell-hole because of me.
I can’t even describe how awful I feel.  Not only have I made his life worse, but I hurt an innocent woman.   To top it off, I’ve been in her shoes  - I know what it feels like.  I’ve intentionally caused someone pain.  Although it was not my objective, my lack of regard for her makes it no better.
I honestly can’t describe myself as “a good person” any longer.

If you have read my previous blogs, you know of my situation with “G”.  He lied and manipulated me for quite some time.  A short while back I sent him one last email.  It was more like verbal diarrhea than an email – letting out all my thought and feeling for one last time.  I didn’t expect a response from it and I did not receive one.
However, over the past few days, I have been communicating with G again.   I didn't need to wait to hear the apology to forgive.  I honestly never thought it would come.  My forgiveness could not be dependent his behavior, but on my own heart.  I was ready to move forward - away from the hurt.
Oddly enough, I’ve realized that sometimes it’s best to not ruin an apology with an excuse.  He simply said he was sorry and that’s good enough for me.  In the last email that I sent him, I told him that part of me wanted to know why he did what he did, but that I knew there was a chance that the truth could make me hate him forever.  I think I was right.  The “why’s” don’t mean as much as the “what nows”.
G and I shared a lot in the past that has in some way created a connection that’s hard to break.  Though we aren’t what we were, maybe it’s better that way.  He started out as my friend and, to me, that was the most important aspect of our relationship.  His friendship is what I missed and what I hope I am gaining back.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

A long month

I don't have any inspiring message or thoughtful insight today.  What I do have is a passage from my best friend's blog.  He wrote it about me and it's something I would like to save here - reread when I need to.

"...Even so, I’ve had a chance to see things in others. Things they often fail to see in themselves. There are people I admire greatly and one person in particular stands out for a great many reasons. Fundamentally the singular strength that I admire most is the ability to connect to people.....It is something that welcomes others and helps mould them into better people. It is kindness and compassion, the kind of quality that makes one feel inspired to be a better person.
The one I love and admire most seems to have forgotten those great strengths they possess. Those strengths are not some easy answer to every problem. But those strengths do come from their very core. I know those strengths are the tools they need to overcome any obstacle.
I feel lost because I can’t help.....But I still see those amazing qualities that hold the power to inspire......They are the strengths of someone so utterly remarkable that I am honestly left in quiet awe.
I know my place in the world but I know theirs too. It’s a brighter place altogether. A place made infinitely better by their presence. I don’t know how I could show someone the greatness I see in them. I wish they could see their qualities the way I do. Even if I am lost forever I would take their pain into myself because they can make the world better, they can inspire love and hope. What I want is for her to open her eyes and see how wonderful she truly is. I want her to live a happy life because I’ve never met anyone that deserves that more than her.
I pray that she finds herself again and that when she finally looks inside herself she sees what I see, one moment of endless joy and pure beauty."

I hope one day, the man I spend the rest of my life with, sees me in such a beautiful light.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

5 Tidbits

  • Although I dream of having children one day, I do not have any at this point in my life.  However, my dogs are my world and I love them to pieces.
  • My number one celebrity crush is Ian Somerhalder.  What's not to like about a guy who loves animals, is an environmental activist, and looks awesome in a suit??  Oh, and might be the on-screen Christian Grey....
  • I really enjoy cycling.  I also really enjoy watching the man I have named the Sexy Cycling God aka Tom Boonen (swoon).  I'm also an a bit obsessed with instagram.  Below is a pic that Tom posted on his Instagram feed a while back.  Aside from looking hot as hell, I love this pic because he 'liked' and commented on one of my photos a few mins after posting this one.  I'm such a fan-girl, it's pathetic :P
  • My favorite genre of music is Punk.  No, not weak-ass Green Day :P  I like Rancid, Bad Religion, NOFX, Black Flag, Circle Jerks, Descendants, etc... But the band that ALWAYS puts me in a good mood is Me First and the Gimme Gimmes.  For those that don't know, they're a cover band formed by a group of musicians from other well-known Punk bands.  Only they could get me to listen to RKelly and Boys 2 Men...and John Denver :)
                       I Believe I Can Fly (RKelly cover)

                              Country Road (John Denver cover)

                              The End of the Road (Boys 2 Men cover)

  •  My favorite drink (besides my usual morning Black Iced Americano) is Passion Tea.

To happier times...

This past Monday was as perfect as I could have asked for.  I've had a rough few weeks and few bad Mondays, but I think my negativity streak has ended :)

Neither of the situations in the previous post are where I would like them to be, but they are both moving in positive directions and that's all I can really hope for.

So (fingers crossed) I'm past my "Debbie Downer" stage and on to bigger and brighter things.  Thanks for sticking by me and an huge hug to those few that reached out to me and truly tried to make me smile.  THANKS!


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

2 Mondays In A Row

I got hurt.  Really hurt.  And sometimes when that happens something inside me shuts off and a wall comes up.
I found out last Monday that a very close friend of mine (we shall call him “J”) is suffering from a situation that I am all too familiar with.  He contacted me saying he was taking some time to sort it all out and our friendship was essentially over.  I felt lost.  J and I had become very good friends and I just wanted to help - to take the pain away.  That’s what I do.  I’m a fixer.

My initial reaction was hurt.  If we start talk everyday and night I’m obviously going to get attached even if I never planned to in the first place.  Suddenly leaving is going to throw me for a loop.  When people walk away I should learn to let them go.  That my life is never tied to anyone who leaves me.  It doesn’t mean they are in the wrong - It simply means that their part in my life story is over.

But I just couldn’t.  I didn’t want the “J” chapter of my story to conclude just yet.

I know from my own experience that this situation can lead to self isolation.  Selfishly, I wanted and needed to be there for him - even when he seemed happier to suffer silently.  I found out later in the week, that J had my best interest at heart for pulling away - not as though that changes my feelings.  

We are in a good place now.  Although he has to essentially travel this journey alone - I’m sure he knows I am here and will be here when he reaches his destination.
Yesterday, I had someone (let’s call him “G”) exit my life for a reason he has given me before.  Clearly, I don’t learn my lessons.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and still wonder how it ends on the ground being trampled on.  I know this is my fault - I let it happen.

I’ll get over G evetually and maybe even really soon but that doesn’t make it hurt any less right now.

There’s only so many times I can allow someone to let me down before I can’t handle the disappointment anymore.  I can’t fix everything, but it feels like giving up.  I’m not letting it lie because I don’t care but because he doesn’t.  

If he doesn’t chase after me, I have to walk away and keep walking.

I’m not blind to my own weaknesses.  I know that if he needs me, I will be there with an open heart.  Because that’s me.  I can’t not be me.  I never truly give up, move on, or stop loving.

Just because this past week was a craptastic week doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be the best day of my life.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Putting Things in Perspective

This was a conversation between myself and my best friend.  I appreciate his sentiment, although clearly bias and maybe a bit of an exaggeration :).  After the week I've had, its nice to be reminded of who and what matters. Life can get complicated - causing frustration, which leads to anger, and a loss of joy.  I'm a generally happy person and have seen that happiness being tried in the past several weeks.
But in all reality, things are never as complicated as we make them out to be.  It is our own stubbornness that finds unnecessarily complicated answers to simple problems.
Recently, I've had to "clean house" so to speak in some aspects of my life.  I need to refocus on what's important and direct my attention away from the filler


Monday, April 8, 2013


No matter how generic or cheesy the fortune... I secretly get a little excited when it's a good one :)